Five Objects I’ve Used to Masturbate that Aren’t Sex Toys

five non sex toys

Masturbation origin stories are my favourite type of New Relationship Information to acquire. Finding out how a new friend or lover discovered their body and sexual expression can be a fun, sexy icebreaker, as everyone has such variations in experiences. I was lucky enough to find out about jerking off by being told, unprompted, by my mother, but that doesn’t mean I avoided embarrassing masturbation memories. Here are the five everyday things I used while growing up to help me discover what sensations my body enjoyed.

Other than your hand, I DO NOT recommend using the other items on this list as sex toys.

vanessa hudgens neutrogena sonic cleanser

Neutrogena Wave Power-Cleanser

The Power Cleanser, produced by Neutrogena and promoted by Vanessa Hudgens in the beginnings of her post-High School Musical acting career, was my first intro to clit vibrations. Originally the Cleanser is supposed to help scrub your face, but as a middle schooler with no sense of hygiene, this thing was only ever used for my genitals. I remember being scared to try it as if a siren would go off in my parent’s room and they would immediately know I had used the facial product in an attempt to rumble my bits. I would press the edge of the handle against my clitoral hood to try to get an orgasm out of the weak vibrations. I liked the sensation but that moment never came (pun very much intended.) I only used the Power Cleanser a couple times after that, but it definitely helped breed my curiosity for vibrations. It was my first point of reference for vibes, which eventually lead to me finding my favourite genital jigglers. However, for the same price, I probably could have gotten a decent bullet and a better time.

masturbating hand

My Hand

I was around eight years old when my mother tucked me into bed one night and decided to tell me where my clit was. “There’s a place you can touch, down here *gestures to her pelvic bone*, that feels really good.” While the word clit wasn’t explicitly said, looking back now, it was definitely implied. Having only said that simple statement she said good night, turned off my lamp and left the room. Obviously, I wanted to feel Really Good too, so I immediately let my curious right hand explore my pelvic region; I’ve been masturbating with my hand ever since. External clit play, right from the get-go, was imperative to discovering how my body liked to be touched. It’s been the best and most reliable way for me to come, as well as fall asleep. Since buffin’ the muffin’ began as a bedtime routine, coming this way makes me blissfully sleepy.


harry potter wand

Harry Potter Wand

As interested as I was in finding new masturbation techniques, I was also enthralled with the fictional universe of Harry Potter. I was obsessed. I was the kid who occasionally wore her custom satin Hufflepuff robe to school, hand carved wooden wand in hand. I had a whole trunk dedicated to my memorabilia, which housed everything from butterbeer bottles to potions books. Amongst the knick knacks was a cheap collapsible wand from Chapters, which I decided looked interesting enough to be one of my first ventures into penetrative “sex toys”. I remember gingerly inserting the textured handle into my vag sans lube, which surprisingly did not injure me. It felt good, but it wasn’t the mind-blowing orgasmic sensation I was looking for. Which makes sense because it was definitely not made for insertion. Perhaps I would have been better off with actual textured fantasy sex toys, like the Lovecrafters Unicorn Horn or the Beau.

pink razor

Razor Handle

As the HP wand wasn’t up to my liking, I was still on the search for a good feeling insertable. I couldn’t buy anything online, as I didn’t have a credit card and was definitely not 18 yet. My next best option was to examine every random object I had and if it looked up to the task, put it in my vagina. I had a set of razors that looked suitable enough, as it has small grooves in the handle. I picked out a fresh one, pulled up some porn on my iPod Touch and went to town. At this point, you might be thinking that using an object with blades is probably not the best thing to use to pleasure yourself. You are absolutely correct, but I didn’t give a fuck at the time as the texture of the handle felt surprisingly great. I managed to have many great orgasms with that off-brand pink razor until it was discarded because of it’s hard to clean surface. I’m happy I ended up chucking it though, I really should not have been using it around my vulva for anything other than shaving. If I could travel back in time and give lil’ Suz the sex toy she needed then, I would pass either the Vixen Mustang or the FF Stronic Drei, as they are both textured, but have the added G-spot curve.

Fake Flower Bouquet Handle

Continuing on with the trend of sticking random things in my vagina, my masturbation infatuation didn’t stop at my own personal objects. This story is my most embarrassing jerking off memory to date, as this item was a part of my grandmother’s guest room decor. I was stranded at my grandmother’s house one summer during middle school, horny and bored as pre-teen hormones dictate. My hand is always ready, willing and available, but I wanted something inside me, I had a dire need to be penetrated. Surveying the room, my eyes landed on a bouquet of fake flowers placed in a vase on top of the dresser (I can get pretty creative in dire circumstances.) Since they probably had not been touched in years, – fake flowers are really only there for aesthetic purposes – I decided to investigate a little further. I pulled the flowers out of the vase to find a textured, plastic stem connecting all the flowers together in the shape of a handle. The solid piece of plastic was about the thickness of a thumb, which made my pervy mind overjoyed.  I washed it the bathroom sink before heading back to my room to test it out. Unlike the razor, it wasn’t comfortable. I stopped as soon as I realized there was no enjoyment to be had, and embarrassingly washed the handle and placed in back in the vase. I wish I had the FF Moody or the Icicle Glass Dildo instead, cause I would have avoided feeling embarrassed whenever I stayed at my grandmother’s house thereafter.
What types of non-sex toy specific objects have you tried to masturbate with?

10 Replies to “Five Objects I’ve Used to Masturbate that Aren’t Sex Toys”

  1. Loved this!
    I was fond of inserting things as well. And I still am, but I started off with my hand, as many people do. I used my hand/fingers until I was around 13 or 14, then I moved onto objects. I had a couple of empty toiletry bottles I used all the time. Kept them in the shower as that’s where a lot of the jerking took place. One was probably 1.75 inches in diameter too and it was my fave. I also used a brush handle at one point, and a curling iron with a condom on it once, but then I went back to my bottle I really liked. Then I got my first slimline vibe when I was 18 and that became my go-to most of the time.

  2. I had a favorite hairbrush handle, which was sadly chewed to bits when we got a puppy. My mom could not understand why I was so distraught over its loss and our inability to find a replacement if the same style (this was in the pre-Internet dark ages …lol).

  3. I used to have an old brick cell phone that had a powerful vibrate setting that middle school me was quite fond of for clitoral stimulation.

    Also middle school… I played the flute… I had seen American Pie enough to know the joke…. Definitely gave that a (very unsatisfying) whirl once. I never mention that one because I feel like I would get so much shit for it, haha

  4. Loved this! I came from a family of saints & was really hush hush on anything related to sex. Didn’t stop me from stealing VHS porn tapes and grinding my muffin on my tea party chairs. Just like porn I only inserted stupid shit first… Didn’t find my clit until I was 16 lol

  5. OMG I did the razor handle too! And as it stemmed from one of those young and horny bathtime moments (and was a pricey one!) I know it was one I also used for actual shaving and I cringe to think it probably didn’t even have a blade cover. It was even a bit curved. Haha.

    Also had a taper candle I kept on the shelf above my bed. I still remember actually burning it once or twice convinced my parents would somehow figure out what I was really doing with it otherwise. Lol. I’m not sure how that logic went and I actually convinced my mother to buy me a cheap vibe in my early to midteens while on antidepressants and crazy horny but unable to come (that was some powerful sexual frustration oh my gosh!).

    Always dreamt of an electric toothbrush since I had heard tales of those. As an adult I actually forgot to pack a toy on a trip and had a go with a Clarisonic face brush. It wasn’t bad in that moment of intense desperation.

    The bathtub faucet or above ground pool jet (which required some serious fanagling to even make work but was also the first time I ever squirt and still this thing I get horny thinking about and desire) were my all time faves. This is already getting long but some very creative adaptions to the faucet at the height of my tub usage (I would go again and again and couldn’t help myself) actually lead to serious damage to my parents home and a knock on the door informing water was leaking through the floor and downstairs ceiling! It’s such a funny story now. I think I might have been in college by that time but it was this absolutely unspeakably embarrassing moment at the time. Family’s replacement tub and faucet was one of those low flow ones and weirdly shaped which totally killed it for me but maybe served me right 😉 (and I seriously have to say as wasteful as is it is, if you have access to an old school tub where you have complete control of the taps and strength of the water flow, it’s a beautiful thing. You can rival the swimming pool or jacuzzi jets…)

    Also did the hairbrush of course and other random things I’m sure (had one of those vibrating squiggle pens!) and when I was really young I would stay up late reading and masturbating and would find myself grinding on books! Also had an incredible experience in middle school with those chains all the alternative kids would have hanging on their pants. I’d run it back and forth between my legs and loved the coldness of the metal (so much like you ended up addicted to texture I still love temperature play and especially cool/cold). My brother kept stealing them from me (for fashion purposes) which was pretty embarrassing and similarly devastating as to your dog chewing your hairbrush. Somewhere I have a journal I kept at that age where I was ranting about how badly I needed those chains back! I’ve always been curious about finding a thick chain like that and uh trying it again just because.

    I knew how to masturbate to orgasm as long as I can remember so I did know how I learned and was more the kid who was teaching her friends about that feel good place. So a literal lifetime of masturbation means I have endless stories!

  6. I first started masturbating using cotton buds when I was 14. During school holidays and having nothing much to occupy my mind, high wank drive came to the forefront and I would’ve an overwhelming urge to be filled.
    I would roll a lot of cotton buds together with a piece of tissue and make the whole makeshift dildo wet with water and put it into myself, only using my own vag lube.

    I also used the ends of marker pens tied together with a rubber band at the other end sometimes, if I was desperate enough.

    I bought my first sex toy- a Smilemaker product, because I don’t know how safe using cotton buds was and it was readily available at my local health and beauty store. It was also getting hard answering my mother why my pack of cotton buds ran out SO FAST.

  7. I’m enjoying all of these stories; there’s so exciting and yet familiar feeling. Here’s mine:

    I don’t know what made me think this would be a good thing to try, but shortly after I discovered masturbating my cock in the shower at age 12, I also felt the urge to have something penetrate me. I fixated on my old wooden tennis racquet, the handle about 7-8″ in cicumfrence and about 14″ long. I had no clue what I was doing – I only knew I wanted it inside me. After getting the flat wide handle into me, I was hit with the most intense pain, but it passed quickly as I lowered myself down and forced the handle up into my anus. It was entirely satisfying and without touching my cock very much at all, I came like I had never cum before, nor would again in any other way for several years, ejaculating several feet into the air.

    After that, I was addicted to the tennis racquet; when no one was home, I would retreat to my room and go into the dressing room – shut the door, strip, roll one of my dad’s condom’s down the handle of it and sit on the tennis racquet until it was buried as deep as I could take it in my ass. I would ride it up and down while stroking my cock. I would try to go as long as possible, but 15 minutes was the longest I could last. To this day, I enjoy thinking about it, but I use a much more ergonomic Doc Johnson B10. My girlfriend loves it –

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