Masturbation origin stories are my favourite type of New Relationship Information to acquire. Finding out how a new friend or lover discovered their body and sexual expression can be a fun, sexy icebreaker, as everyone has such variations in experiences. I was lucky enough to find out about jerking off by being told, unprompted, by my mother, but that doesn’t mean I avoided embarrassing masturbation memories. Here are the five everyday things I used while growing up to help me discover what sensations my body enjoyed.
Other than your hand, I DO NOT recommend using the other items on this list as sex toys.
Neutrogena Wave Power-Cleanser
The Power Cleanser, produced by Neutrogena and promoted by Vanessa Hudgens in the beginnings of her post-High School Musical acting career, was my first intro to clit vibrations. Originally the Cleanser is supposed to help scrub your face, but as a middle schooler with no sense of hygiene, this thing was only ever used for my genitals. I remember being scared to try it as if a siren would go off in my parent’s room and they would immediately know I had used the facial product in an attempt to rumble my bits. I would press the edge of the handle against my clitoral hood to try to get an orgasm out of the weak vibrations. I liked the sensation but that moment never came (pun very much intended.) I only used the Power Cleanser a couple times after that, but it definitely helped breed my curiosity for vibrations. It was my first point of reference for vibes, which eventually lead to me finding my favourite genital jigglers. However, for the same price, I probably could have gotten a decent bullet and a better time.
I was around eight years old when my mother tucked me into bed one night and decided to tell me where my clit was. “There’s a place you can touch, down here *gestures to her pelvic bone*, that feels really good.” While the word clit wasn’t explicitly said, looking back now, it was definitely implied. Having only said that simple statement she said good night, turned off my lamp and left the room. Obviously, I wanted to feel Really Good too, so I immediately let my curious right hand explore my pelvic region; I’ve been masturbating with my hand ever since. External clit play, right from the get-go, was imperative to discovering how my body liked to be touched. It’s been the best and most reliable way for me to come, as well as fall asleep. Since buffin’ the muffin’ began as a bedtime routine, coming this way makes me blissfully sleepy.
Harry Potter Wand
As interested as I was in finding new masturbation techniques, I was also enthralled with the fictional universe of Harry Potter. I was obsessed. I was the kid who occasionally wore her custom satin Hufflepuff robe to school, hand carved wooden wand in hand. I had a whole trunk dedicated to my memorabilia, which housed everything from butterbeer bottles to potions books. Amongst the knick knacks was a cheap collapsible wand from Chapters, which I decided looked interesting enough to be one of my first ventures into penetrative “sex toys”. I remember gingerly inserting the textured handle into my vag sans lube, which surprisingly did not injure me. It felt good, but it wasn’t the mind-blowing orgasmic sensation I was looking for. Which makes sense because it was definitely not made for insertion. Perhaps I would have been better off with actual textured fantasy sex toys, like the Lovecrafters Unicorn Horn or the Beau.
As the HP wand wasn’t up to my liking, I was still on the search for a good feeling insertable. I couldn’t buy anything online, as I didn’t have a credit card and was definitely not 18 yet. My next best option was to examine every random object I had and if it looked up to the task, put it in my vagina. I had a set of razors that looked suitable enough, as it has small grooves in the handle. I picked out a fresh one, pulled up some porn on my iPod Touch and went to town. At this point, you might be thinking that using an object with blades is probably not the best thing to use to pleasure yourself. You are absolutely correct, but I didn’t give a fuck at the time as the texture of the handle felt surprisingly great. I managed to have many great orgasms with that off-brand pink razor until it was discarded because of it’s hard to clean surface. I’m happy I ended up chucking it though, I really should not have been using it around my vulva for anything other than shaving. If I could travel back in time and give lil’ Suz the sex toy she needed then, I would pass either the Vixen Mustang or the FF Stronic Drei, as they are both textured, but have the added G-spot curve.
Fake Flower Bouquet Handle
Continuing on with the trend of sticking random things in my vagina, my masturbation infatuation didn’t stop at my own personal objects. This story is my most embarrassing jerking off memory to date, as this item was a part of my grandmother’s guest room decor. I was stranded at my grandmother’s house one summer during middle school, horny and bored as pre-teen hormones dictate. My hand is always ready, willing and available, but I wanted something inside me, I had a dire need to be penetrated. Surveying the room, my eyes landed on a bouquet of fake flowers placed in a vase on top of the dresser (I can get pretty creative in dire circumstances.) Since they probably had not been touched in years, – fake flowers are really only there for aesthetic purposes – I decided to investigate a little further. I pulled the flowers out of the vase to find a textured, plastic stem connecting all the flowers together in the shape of a handle. The solid piece of plastic was about the thickness of a thumb, which made my pervy mind overjoyed. I washed it the bathroom sink before heading back to my room to test it out. Unlike the razor, it wasn’t comfortable. I stopped as soon as I realized there was no enjoyment to be had, and embarrassingly washed the handle and placed in back in the vase. I wish I had the FF Moody or the Icicle Glass Dildo instead, cause I would have avoided feeling embarrassed whenever I stayed at my grandmother’s house thereafter.
What types of non-sex toy specific objects have you tried to masturbate with?