How to Know if Your Potential Hookup is Good in Bed 🔥

redhead girl checking phone for hookup

Around two years ago, I made a decision that I would never again risk having bad sex. When I first started out my slut journey I would sleep with whoever I was attracted to, not vetting chemistry or personality compatibility. More often than not, my one-night-stands yielded unsatisfactory experiences due to a combination of both selfish partners and my inability to assert my needs. Luckily, I had a couple of good FWB’s help set the bar higher for my sexual standards, so I eventually decided: no more horrible hookups.

Choosing to forgo bad sex was a simple decision to make, but in practice, has been hard to navigate. At a time where fuckboys are rampant, dodging them online is nearly impossible, which makes spontaneous hookups difficult. However, over my years of talking to people online, I’ve learned to spot a bad lay from a mile away. With a careful eye and a bit of selective questioning, it’s relatively easy to weed out the people I would not like near my genitals.

One main thing that I look for when choosing to sleep with someone, is how they hold space for conversations about sex. How people communicate about sex can show you their perspectives and feelings towards the concept and the act. I frequently talk to matches about sex (tends to come up when you’re a sex blogger), and through their reactions, questions and standpoints, I can decide if actually want to bang them. These discoveries can also come out very quickly through sexting. The majority of my advice centres around being aware of what your online suitor is saying. Reading between the lines of messages can help expose the true nature of what the person you’re talking to is trying to imply.

If your match does one (or more) of these things, then from my experience, they’re probably* not going to be good in bed.**

If they get angry or displeased when you don’t respond…

Life gets busy, and as much as I love Tinder, I’m not on the app 24/7. Some Tinder people, apparently, don’t understand that. When I open the app after a break, I commonly see messages from old conversations that say “Guess not?”, “Not interested?” and “Well, it was nice talking to you.” If your match says this then give them what they’re literally asking for and unmatch them. These are the people who will call you a tease if you invite them over for makeouts and don’t end up touching their genitals. They think they have a right to a conversation with you (and probably the right to your body too.)

If they’re pressuring you…

This should be a red flag for anyone, but sometimes pressuring can come in unexpected and subtle ways. Like a match not dropping a topic, I’ve told them I don’t want to talk about or being bugged for a Snapchat add. People who try to push your boundaries online will most likely not respect any in person.

If you’re uncomfortable with some of their word choices…

I find that people who use aggressive language for describing sex are typically bad lays. Not to say aggressive is always bad, but if they’re immediately jumping into aggressive sexual talk without prior discussion, I would be wary. If the person uses vulgar words (or any word that makes you uncomfortable) when referring to people and/or genitals, there’s a high chance you won’t like their dirty talk.

gross tinder message about dick 10 inch

If they make general statements while sexting…

Making general, vague statements about sex activities is going to translate into a bad time in bed. I find that good sex buds are ones who use specific, detailed language when discussing what they’d like to do with you. Specific sexting can help determine what each other’s preferences, which can lead to a better time. If I ask “What would you like to do to me?” and they reply “Fuck you so hard.” I’m going to safely assume that I’ll be the only one of us putting effort into foreplay (which I’m not here for.)

If they don’t mention your pleasure…

This is such an easy red flag to spot while talking about sex or sexting. If a person only focuses on their own pleasure while talking dirty to you, they are almost always going to have the same approach in bed.  It’s so common for me to start sexting with guys, only to realize they have yet to mention touching my clit, fingering my G-spot or eating me out. If it sounds like your body is a just a masturbatory device for them, you’re not going to have a good time.

guy not putting effort into sexting screenshot

If they sexualize you immediately…

Most of the best sex I’ve had was with people who didn’t immediately sexualize me. Even if they asked me about sex toys or my blog, it was never from a gross, “let me masturbate to this.” standpoint. Your match should be genuinely curious when it comes to sex questions, and not respond with “that’s hot” to your answers. Gross people don’t deserve you or your genitals!

If they ask about the number of people you’ve slept with…

I find the people who are asking about how many people I’ve slept with are usually the types of people that will shame me about my sexual choices. Good sex should be centred around trust and confidence, so having someone shame you beforehand will never make good sex happen (unless that’s your kink and all partners are informed.) It’s pretty easy to tell how shamey your match is based on their reaction to your answer. Sometimes sexual past questions can come from a genuine place of curiosity, but you’ll be able to tell by the tone of their messages.

If they promise the best sex ever…

Even in my non-sex blogger days, it was incredibly common for Tinder dudes to tell me that they could make any girl come. I had countless people tell me they were the *best* in bed, and have had rave reviews from everyone they’ve ever slept with. I’ve had dudes tell me that they could make me squirt, when, in reality, I can only squirt from clitoral vibrations. Because all bodies are different, sex feels and works differently on a case by case basis. Just because Amy can make Alex come easily, doesn’t mean she’ll have the same result with other hookups. In these instances, the person bragging is usually lying and/or is insecure about their abilities, which can create disappointment on their part and dampen the mood. If a match doesn’t understand that all bodies don’t work the same way, then I’m out of there.

guy offering best sex only to get salty response

If they won’t meet you in a public place beforehand…

A practice I wish I did more as a baby slut, is meeting for coffee before a hookup to help determine chemistry. Even if texting conversations are going well, sometimes the magic isn’t there when translated into real life. If someone won’t meet you in public first, this tells us three things. The first being that they aren’t aware of safety concerns you may have. Secondly, they’re probably not going to be charming/interesting (and don’t care if you are). And thirdly, since they’re opposed to doing the simplest before-sex activity ever, they’re looking for an easy way to get into your pants. This behaviour, unfortunately, means they’ll put in the same minimum effort in bed.

Some Final Tips

If your matches’ fuckability isn’t obvious already, all it takes is a couple of questions to find out more. If you apply a little pressure to the conversation, the people who are bad at sex will be exposed immediately. I suggest asking follow-ups to the general statement sexts, asking what their top three favourites sex acts are (to see if they’re selfish) and using your own sex knowledge to school their bad sexting habits. I frequently correct people on the terms they use while messaging (a vagina is not a vulva!!) and tell people when they’re not turning me on if their sexting game is not up to par. If this causes your match to step up their game then great, or if they get pissed off, that’s great as well because you’re avoiding awful sex.

Trust your instincts, read between the lines, and check your messages for any of these bad sex symptoms. While you may notice the quantity of hookups you’re inviting over drop, the number of quality sex you’re having will rise.

* This advice is based on three full years of being a slut on Tinder. A person could still do/say all or some of these things and still be good at sex. In my experience, this isn’t the case, but it is possible. And similarly, someone still might not come with any warning signs and still be bad at sex.

** “Good in bed” can mean totally different things depending on the people involved, but for the purposes of this post, “Good in bed” will refer to people who respectful, eager to learn, and giving. “Good in bed” people usually possess better physical sexual skills as well because of their attentiveness.

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