I often get asked, usually in the comments of my Instagram posts, or through DMs and emails, “How did you become so confident?” I tend to get this because I unabashedly post photos of my fat and naked body online, crush cis dude’s souls through Tinder messages, and am generally a sassy bitch to those who dare cross my path. Well, it wasn’t easy folks.
This brazen babe didn’t always carry a sure-of-herself charm; I was a very insecure person for a good chunk of my life. Becoming confident was a conscious decision I made in order to protect myself and get to the places I needed to be. Confidence was like an outfit that I put on every day to trick the world into thinking I was worthy, but eventually, it became apart of me. I no longer feel like I am faking it (although some days I still need to). Here are some of the steps I took to appear more confident and eventually feel more confident:
Strut your stuff.
Strutting and grooving is a huge part of how I gain confidence throughout the day. I started noticing during my first year of university that whenever I walked, either in public or around the house, I would do so with a posture that wasn’t a) good for my back and b) didn’t make me feel or look confident. I decided that I need to change that and forced myself to puff my chest out, strut my way down every street I walk down like it’s a catwalk, and serve bitchy facial expressions as I do it.
A good way to start doing this is to pull out your headphones every time to leave the house, and put on a power anthem as you walk or roll to your next stop. If you are able, straightening you back, relaxing and pulling back your shoulders, as well as looking straight on can help you perfect your confident strut. Additionally, if you’re a person who hates interacting with people in public like me, looking straight on and walking quickly can make it look like you’re important and/or in a hurry which will minimize people attempting to approach you.
Be your own hype-person.
I didn’t have a lot of emotional support from friends or family growing up, so I had to be the only person hyping myself up and telling myself that I was great. I was really lucky to gain this as a habit from a young age and is something that has snowballed me into the confident person I am today. My strategy is to counteract negative thoughts about myself with good ones. Take time to write a list of qualities you love about yourself on sticky notes to put around your room, or in the notes app on your phone, to look at during bad brain moments. Write down your accomplishments (and even ones your working towards) on a list to read when you encounter imposter syndrome. I also have started keeping a photo folder on my phone where I put screenshots of compliments or hot sexts people send me to look to at times where I feel undesirable or loved.
Take up more space.
If you’re socialized as female, like myself, I’m sure you’ve also encountered moments in public spaces where you notice that you’re making yourself take up less space. Squishing your legs together to make yourself feel smaller on the bus for example. It’s ingrained in people socialized as female to make ourselves feel smaller. For myself, I know a lot of this is related to my fatness too, but it’s something people of all body types experience.
My tip here is to notice the now your body relates to your surroundings; times which you tense your muscles or pull your shoulders into your body as you’re trying to make space for other people (usually men). For me, I notice this most when I’m at the bar trying to get a drink. Once I notice that I’m making myself smaller, I can purposely spread out my arms more, stand with more authority and relax my muscles. This both makes me feel confident and helps establish my presence in the fight to get the bartender’s attention. Women and gender non-conforming people shouldn’t literally have to bow out of the way to make room for people who already take up too much space socially.
Pretend you’re an actor.
This last piece of advice is one I practice when I’m filled with anticipation nerves. In order to get myself to go through with an action that causes me anxiety, I tell myself that I need to pretend that what I’m about to do is actually a scene in a movie and that I’m the actor acting out those actions. That way, I instil a false sense of “anything can go wrong and you’ll still be okay” feelings in myself. While this does seem arbitrary, it’s a strategy I use to get it through times where I wasn’t feeling that I complete an action I need to do. Putting myself into a “this is all just pretend” headspace makes me feel limitless, and limitless makes me feel confident.
I know my suggestions are often times easier said than done, but they’re the actions that have gotten me to the confidence levels I have. Everyone has different ways of changing themselves up, so try out some new strategies and continue on with what works for you!
What are some ways you boost your confidence?
6 comments
Great article! Honestly this has been something I’ve been trying to work on for a while, and what’s been helpful for me is meditation. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head about how terrible things could be if I actually try or do things rather than trying them. Instead I take a moment, quiet my thoughts, and tell myself “Do it because you WANT to change.” and that tends to help me get going enough to actually go ahead with it.
Also to try and be okay with making mistakes when talking to people. The worst that will likely happen is that I get corrected, and all that means is they want to make sure I know something and not some sort of critique on me.
This article definitely hits home for me and it is really inspiring to hear a boss-ass lady as yourself also has tools to keep boosting that confidence! Taking up more space was my favorite bit you mentioned. You’re right that females are taught to make the spaces we occupy smaller and as someone who also has worked in customer/food service, my job is to serve other people while being as invisible as possible and it definitely has effects on how I see myself even not at work. Another trick I do sometimes – its hella corny but whatever it helps – is just listen to a playlist of bad-ass songs written by bad-ass people just to help me get into that strutin’ mood
I love this! I’m a fan of the mental soundtrack method…if you’ve got some badass tune underscoring your every move (even if no one knows but you), it helps!
What a nice read and I think a lot of this applies to nearly everything in life from being confident to becoming more outgoing to (in my life) starting to go to the gym and try to get back to a weight you were previously in life. It starts out with making a conscious decision to change rather that some external change causing you to change.
I enjoyed all that you have written in this post. Confidence is definitely something one must develop and hone that craft. It’s important to be excessively comfortable with yourself in your own skin. Always be your =hype person!
Confidence in and of itself is sexy. My wife has body image issues and as a result is quick to cover up and reluctant to wear anything overtly revealing, even in the bedroom. I want her to be comfortable, but I also want to see her get glammed up once in a while. I do my best to compliment her in her big t-shirt as well as when she puts on something more sexy. It’s a work in progress, but worth the effort.