Lying back on the bed, my friends-with-benefits kneeling between my legs, one hand curled up inside me touching my G-spot, the other pressing down on my lower abdomen. “I’m going to make you squirt” he proclaims, “I’ve used this technique on past partners and it always works”. He continues to ram his fingers inside me with eagerness and gusto. I roll my eyes, and relax my body, trying to enjoy the motions of his handiwork. But now I’m not enjoying it as much as I was moments ago; I’m tense and trying to focus on making my body do the thing. Ten minutes later, when it doesn’t happen, I say “See! I told you.” Many have tried but none have managed to train the water warrior of my vagina to sing the squirt of its people.
I wish I could say this wasn’t a recurring scene amongst my sex with cis men, but here I am writing about it, so, you know it’s a common issue. For a long time, the general narrative of sex in dating and casual sex culture was focused on the orgasms of cis men. It wasn’t “sex” if there wasn’t a penis penetrating something, sex would stop when the cis man comes, [insert hetero sexist cis bs here]. Luckily culture has been moving away from this ideology, but we’ve been left with another flawed philosophy. Due to the spotlight put on the orgasm gap, some cis straight men now think of themselves as the patron saints of women’s genitals; the media has them believing that no other man has put in the effort before. To be better than other cis dudes they look up techniques on the “right” ways to make their partner come, squirt, etc. We end up stuck with dudes who think that making their partner come is as easy as memorizing a Dance Dance Revolution routine. Which, hey, not easy, but still comes with instructions.
The thing is: ALL BODIES ARE DIFFERENT GODDAMNIT. You can’t hop on this arrow twice, jump back and bingo bango your partner is arching their back and screaming to the DDR gods. Even if you have a technique that’s worked on all of your partners in the past, it might not work for anyone in the future. I still haven’t been able to squirt via a partners fingers inside me, and I may never! But despite telling partners “I can occasionally squirt via intense and precise clit stimulation”, they still eagerly go forth into my vagina to try to conquer my G-spot. Like it feels great dude, but your need for validation of your sex skills, combined with the mental pressure you’re putting on me isn’t going to make me come much less squirt.
Wanting to make your partner(s) come and squirt aren’t bad aspirations, but we need to put more emphasis on communicating how to get those things done. When we assume that all sex techniques, and even sex toys, are going to work for everyone, it leaves the people it doesn’t work for feeling broken and ashamed. Whenever a partner would attempt to make me squirt, I would still want it to happen because a) accomplishment culture in sex, and b) to make my partner happy. When it wouldn’t happen, I would still be happy with the sex, but still slightly disappointed in myself and my body.
Let’s reframe “accomplishments” in sex culture, especially when it comes to casual sex. If there’s a certain act, like squirting, that you or your partner(s) want to achieve together, try it out, but communicate while you do it, and don’t put any expectations on yourselves. Step outside of the DDR instructions, and check in with your bodies. Sex techniques aren’t one-size-fits-all.
And if you’re a potential partner of mine: don’t try to make me squirt unless I’ve given you detailed instructions on how to do so. 🙃