CN: open relationships, consent, alcohol, anal fissures, slut shaming, body image, sex work, birth control, threesomes, sexless relationships, lack of orgasms, relaxing during sex, and cold sores (herpes HSV-1).
Hey y’all, today we’re doing something a little different on the blog: a sex ed Q&A! I rarely get time to answer questions from readers for free, so I thought this would be a good way to do so while educating the rest of y’all as well. I put out a call on Twitter and Instagram and got some really good questions on a variety of topics from you all.
Let’s just jump into it!
How do you tell someone that you’re interested in that you are in an open relationship and although you can’t give them all of your time, you definitely want to get to know them better and have them not think it’s bullshit?
I suggest something along the lines of what you typed out to me, but with a little bit more context. Open relationships vary from couple to couple, so the person you’re approaching won’t immediately know what type of arrangement you and your significant other have. Try something like “Hey! I’m in an open relationship right now, and [this is how it works for us]. I’m a pretty busy person but I’d love to get to know you more though.”
I met someone on vacation last week and we hit it off. The last day of my trip we were flirting and laughing all day. She got drunk that night and asked me to get her back to her room. When we got to her room she took off her pants and asked me if I had any condoms. I told her that she was too intoxicated and we couldn’t do anything. After begging me for about 10 minutes she if I would finger her. The next day she was upset with me because I was the reason she didn’t get any on her vacation. I assume that I did the right thing? Would it have been okay to just use my hands? Any advice for me in this type of situation moving forward?
You absolutely did the right thing. Never, no matter how much someone asks, touch them sexually them when they are drunk, especially when it’s someone you don’t know well. Using your fingers is still a violation of consent, so even though she was asking for that, it’s good you didn’t do it. Even though she complained about it in the morning, you still did the right thing.
Have you ever had to deal with anal fissures? Halp! I miss butt stuff so much but one drunken night and bam, pain forever. I have finally gotten over the chronic re-injury cycle and of course I wish I’d had better judgement in the heat of the moment but now when I try to get into the idea again I am just terrified. Ugh. On the upside my boy wants to be pegged so I can get my thrills that way (and drown him in lube!) but I wanna have fun too.
Ooof. I totally feel this. At the end of last summer, I got an anal fissure (small tear in the thin, moist tissue (mucosa) that lines the anus), which resulted in a lot of time off of butt stuff. Whenever I thought I was healed, I’d try again and there would be blood on my small butt plug. My suggestion is to leave your butt alone for a really long time before trying again. I think I took time off from anal from October to March (roughly) before I ventured into putting stuff up my butt again. If you’re feeling comfortable with getting back into it, I suggest starting with small toys and fingers again, using a lot of lube, as if you were a butt stuff beginner again. Then you can build up from there.
I started following you because of how positive you are with your body and sexuality. I want to know at what age you gained your positivity and sexuality. I’m not even 18 yet (Turing in the next few months) I’ve been having sex for awhile and I don’t know if I’m too young and I’m worried of being called a whore/slut. How do I get over that?
You are not too young to be having sex! 17/almost 18 is a really normal age to be getting out there and having fun. I was 18 when I first had sex, but I was a super sexual person wayyy before then. The first time I had sex wasn’t when I was in a relationship either, and I actually haven’t been in a monogamous relationship at all but still have a decent amount of sex.
Being called a slut is something that happens to every person socialized as a woman, regardless if they’ve had sex and regardless of how many people they’ve had sex with. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it also helps to know, because when everyone is a slut, no one is a slut! Society tends to think “slut” and “whore” are bad words, but when you recognize what they represent (having sex with multiple people and having sex for money), they’re inherently not bad. Personally, those are words I use to describe myself, and when people call me them, I go “yes, you’re absolutely right.” Recognize that those insults come from a slut-shaming culture, and use them to empower yourself.
How do you move forward from a relationship that wasn’t emotionally fulfilling but that you’ve relied on a ton for body image-related validation – specifically how to regain confidence separate from the people that love your body but not you?
I’m a firm believer that working on your own self-confidence separately from other people is really important. If you can, take time for yourself away from partners to appreciate your body. Spend time dancing naked, masturbating, touching your curves and places on your body you’re feeling self-conscious about. Try to notice the activities/clothes that make you feel good about your body and practice/wear them more. I wrote a post on gaining confidence that has some specific actionable steps too.
Where’s the line between sex-worker and model? Is it a fuzzy line? Is there a line?
A sex worker is a person who makes money from sexual services. That can be street workers, cam girls, strippers, people with premium snapchats, escorts, phone sex operators, sugar babies, people who sell nudes, and more. If the act you’re engaging in sexual in nature, and you’re getting paid for it, it’s sex work. Models who pose nude for non-sexual reasons (artistic photography, posing for drawing classes) aren’t typically considered sex workers, as their work isn’t sexual in nature.
What do you do if a guy refuses to use condom?
I don’t sleep with them, and I leave. Refusing to do something that makes me comfortable and safe is a huge red flag.
What’s your birth control and do you suggest it?
I’ve had the Mirena IUD inserted for about a year and I love it for many reasons but have been considering other options recently. My IUD has made my periods disappear, which has been a blessing. It also lasts up to five years, so it’s great for my forgetful brain (I hated the pill because I kept forgetting to take it). However, it does come with some side effects: I get some weird little hairs on my boobs, and my sex drive has been reduced significantly. The latter has been making me reconsider it lately. I would recommend trying it though!
How do you balance your work and home life? Also, on a more personal note, I’d love to get into some form of online sex work for fun and extra money, but I want to work with children when I graduate with my bachelors. How do I do that without exposing my identity/face?
I’m really bad at setting boundaries for work and home life. As a freelancer, I can make my own hours, so I end up working what feels like 24/7 cause I’m bad at managing my time. I recently heard some advice from a friend who recommended scheduling out your day hour by hour and to keep set work hours. This has helped me a lot but is something I’m striving to perfect.
As someone who isn’t anonymous, I don’t have any tips for keeping your identity a secret. However, I was told a while ago by a friend that if you decide to get into sex work, you should think about the person you’d least like to know and then be comfortable with them finding out. Sex work is hard work, and while it may be possible to do it anonymously, I think it will be much harder (especially if you’re just doing it online). Here are some guides by others who know a lot more about anonymity than I do: Protecting Your Identity as a Sex Worker, Protecting Your Anonymity and Privacy: A How-to for Sex Workers and Internet Safety for the Sex Blogger.
My partner and I have a long time friend that we love and frequently spend time with. In the past, we’ve all been intimate together, threesome sex, massages, cuddling and bed sharing. That friend is now in a monogamous relationship and we only hang out now. My partner and I would still like to have a deeper and physically intimate relationship with that friend but we’re apprehensive to cross their relationship boundaries. Is it better to let go of the interest in intimacy and not speak of it with the friend, or be honest about our interest? How could we bring it up and suggest it in a respectful way? We absolutely would be crushed if we hurt the friendship we still have.
I would be honest with your friend about your interests, as there’s always a possibility that they and their partner might be open to a non-monogamous relationship. However, I would do so in a way that doesn’t put pressure on them to decide at the moment or feel pressured. I would say something like “We recognize you’re currently in a monogamous relationship, but we wanted to say [this is how we feel]… If you’re not interested, that’s totally cool, we just wanted to inquire. We respect your partner’s position in this as well, so if you’re interested, we’d love if you included them in on the discussion.”
I feel like there’s no perfect recipe for this situation and it will really depend on if you think your friend is someone who is okay being approached with this proposal while within a monogamous relationship. Good luck!
How does my boyfriend and I go about getting a unicorn for a threesome?
In terms of places to look for people, I recommend Tinder, Feeld, Fetlife and sex clubs. I would also reconsider your language here, you’re not going to the store to buy a TV, you’re not “getting” a unicorn. Approaching people to ask for them to join you for sex is an underrated skill. Check out my post about messaging unicorns, and these three posts I wrote on the Peepshow Toys blog: How to Find the Right Partner For a Threesome, Sex Toys for Threesomes and What You Should Consider Before a Threesome.
How do you manage a sexless relationship? This is a serious problem we’re having and might cause a split.
I can’t personally answer this one, as it’s not something I’ve ever experienced. However, I highly recommend checking out the subreddit r/deadbedrooms if you’re dealing with a sexless relationship.
I am very attracted to my boyfriend but I almost never come despite how good it might feel. I am so insecure about my body after recovery from an eating disorder. Do you have any tips on how I can improve on relaxing during sex? Also, any sex positions to help with orgasms clitorally?
I would recommend spending some time connecting with yourself, honouring your body and masturbating. I find that getting more comfortable with my body by myself helps when I enter the bedroom with partners. Some people never come from their partners too (it’s super common), and that’s okay. Introducing toys, like clitoral vibrators, may be a good way to help you come when you’re with your partner.
In terms of relaxing during sex, try taking things slower than you might normally. Start with a massage, other forms of non-sexual touch, and slowly build up desire. Sex isn’t a race; you can really take your time with it. Focus on your breathing if you sense your mind wandering into an anxious territory, and focus on the action you’re doing and on the sensations that are happening in your body.
Sex shouldn’t be orgasm centric (as it’s often chalked up to be), and you can have wonderful sex without coming. I’ve had amazing sexual experiences that haven’t resulted in me having an orgasm. Enjoy the sensations in the moment and try to forget about meeting a certain “goal” when you have sex.
A couple of my favourite positions with easy clit access when I’m having sex with people with penises are the Pretzel, Missionary and Missionary but with my legs on my partner’s shoulders.
As a person with cold sores (herpes HSV-1), how do you navigate the world of casual sex? How does it impact your sex life, if at all?
When I have an outbreak, I avoid kissing people or put my mouth around their genitals. It’s not (as) contagious when it’s dormant, so I don’t find it affects my sex life much. I’ve had outbreaks on nights that myself and partners wanted to still have sex, so I suggest still being intimate but avoiding kissing, or using my mouth. This actually happened this past week, a cutie of my mine came over and we had a great night together, all while never kissing. Read up more about cold sores and HSV-1 here!
Thanks so much to everyone who submitted a question! I had a lot of fun answering all the Qs. Hopefully, you left with some good advice!