Within the past couple years, we have seen a huge increase in “influencers” and internet fame, positions which are glamorized and idolized by the majority of millennials and mainstream society. Access to information about people’s lives is extremely different today than it was even five years ago with internet people sharing their lives with thousands, or millions of strangers online. While having a platform has benefited me in various ways, when it comes to dating and sex, my blog, specifically the fact that it’s a sex blog, has had some surprising influences on how people treat me.
From my social media follower counts to my blog posts themselves, here are some ways having a status as a public figure has interfered with my my sex and dating life…
“Are you going to put me on the blog?”
For a lot of cis dudes I’ve been with in the past, the idea of fucking a sex blogger goes right to their heads (and yes, I totally mean their dick heads). The idea of having open and honest conversations about sex is still super taboo for a lot of people, and I’ve often had past lays tell me that I’m the most sexually open person they’ve ever been with. I have my own Feelings about that, but what accompanies the interest of wanting to be with a person who writes about sex, is that they want to know if they’ll make it into the ‘hall of fame’: my blog. Later last year I had a not-too-impressive hookup with a guy and as he was getting dressed to leave, he asked, “So are you going to write about me?” I rolled my eyes, chuckled and said: “You need to earn that.” I only write about people specifically if they have to do with a greater narrative of a post, or if I’m talking about them in a Wrap It Up post.
Having a large audience, especially when you’re in the adult industry, comes with admirers! I get a LOT of requests for nudes and dates because of my job, and that can be an intimidating aspect of my lifestyle for lovers and partners. I can’t write from any perspective but mine, but I know that I’ve had past partners bring up my audience as a point of anxiety or jealousy in some cases. And that’s completely fair! If I had a partner who had a lot of people wanting to fuck them all the time, I, too, would not always feel 100% amazing about that.
My time is valuable.
On the flip side, I know that having a platform behind me has acted as a reminder that I’m an amazing human being, and that lovers and partners need to be valuing my time. Not to say that having a following makes you respectable (it doesn’t), but in my specific circumstance, my following is evidence of my work. I’m growing my brand (and working hard at it) so my social media presence serves as a way to tell my dates that I’m motivated, determined and not to be fucked with.
I’m easily stalk-able.
Being able to creep your dates and partners has both negative and positive repercussions. For me, I’m incredibly easy to stalk because of my open online presence, but so if a date finds my Instagram account, they’re unlocking a BUNCH of personal information about me and my sex life. An unbalanced dynamic is created if they decide to dig into my public info because I’m not getting that same privilege to get to know them through blog posts, tweets, Instagram posts, podcasts and other media. Reading up on someone’s life can be beneficial if done respectfully – for example, if a date wanted to know how best to make me come in bed. Unfortunately, the majority of the time dates have stalked me, it’s made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, as the would use their knowledge of me at inappropriate times.
It’s not even new dates and partners that can check up on me, I’ve had to deal with longer-term partners having the ability to access my social media presence (and therefore my current state of emotions sometimes) at will. Last fall, my ex assumed I wanted to be in a committed relationship with him because of how he read my Tweets about him. He didn’t even have a Twitter account. In more recent relationships, I’m conscious of how and when partners might see my content, whether or not it pertains to them. I always get permission when I’m writing posts about partners, but even with things like posting about going on dates on my Instagram stories, I want to check in so jealous feelings can be talked about if they occur.
Not only does my social media presence allow for current and future partners to read about me, but my online history gives my exes, my partner’s exes AND my partner’s other partners the ability to keep up with me in detail. Jealousy and curiosity are natural feelings, so looking up an ex or current lover of someone you dated or are dating is not something I would ever fault a person for doing. I’m aware of the personal risks of putting myself out there, but it’s when boundaries are crossed by those other people that I get concerned. I’ve had one particular ex contact me through my blog social media and emails to try to get back in contact with me. Exes of my partners and metamours can also become threatened by my large following, resulting in some initially uncomfortable conversations and boundary setting times with partners. Luckily I’ve had recent partners who are great at communication, so even though I’ve had bumps in the road, they’re not the biggest of deals.
I’m sure there are some romantic or sexy silver linings to having a prominent social media presence, but for me, I’ve noticed that I need to do a lot more work with managing my communication skills, especially in the last year as my following has grown. I’ve always been cautious of what and who I post about, but new problems have popped up that I continue to be surprised by. I can only hope that in the future everyone involved (including myself) can approach insecurities and expectations in a mature way.
If you’re interested in reading more about how blogging has impacted my sex and dating life in ways not relating to social media check out: I’m Not Your Manic Sexy Dream Girl, Fat & Fucking: Dating Desirability as a Plus Size Woman and My Politics Are Cockblocking Me and I’m OK with it.
Have you ever had any issues with dating or casual sex because of your social media presence? Let me know!